i moved. it's been so long since i wrote in here, over a month now, i'm sorry for the wait. i'm going to start journaling in here much more often. i'm in nc now. i like the atmosphere but i know it's all going to be the same. the same as always. shitty people, shitty teachers, shitty world. this world is corrupt, all humans are terrible inherently. fuck the nature vs nurture shit, we're all bad, we always will be bad. at least i'm far away from the sunshine state, for now at least. all the terrible things that happened there can't reach me here anymore. the people, the laughter, the stares, the regret, the shame. it's all gone. i can live freely. until it starts all over again. it's a cycle i can't escape and i don't think i ever will no matter how hard i try. i do not belong here. this isn't home. i want to go home. i want to do it all over again.
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another mundane day. break is soon. music helps me cope. i don't see the point in the world. everyone gets so excited over nothing. it's so tough pretending to be a normal girl. i can't be normal like everyone else or have lots of friends. i feel guilty for that. am i always going to be the weirdo outcast girl? i hate this. i hate this school. i miss meggan and my old school. i miss everything. i just hate the world. love is suicide. i don't have much to write recently, maybe thats a good thing? i dont know. i feel so insecure and big in my own skin. i need to lose weight.
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i feel like shit. my new "friends" arent shit. i feel like they just hate me and only keep me around because they pity me. theyre excluding me from things now and only paying attention to each other. they dont actually like me do they? nobody does. fuck them. fuck the world. fuck everything and everyone. im in such a bad mood. fuck. fucking shit. i just want to get to 4th period already. i might go see the counselor again. i am not having a good day. and i will take it out on everyone around me while holding it inside me at the same time. because i have to be perfect all the time. always perfect and kind. and understanding and caring and perfect, PERFECT. i HATE IT. I HATE BEING LIKE THIS. I JUST WANT TO FUCKING LASH OUT AND MAUL EVERYONE. i cant take this anymore i feel like such shit. i miss my mom and dad and my sister. i miss my dog. i hate these people. i cant take this place. oh and now shes bragging about how her mommy and daddy bought her concert tickets, how fucking swell. i hate being poor. i cant even buy yarn to crochet with. i hate everyone here. hate hate hate.
i believe im starting to have a new crush. you could call me boy crazy and i wouldnt deny you. he has pretty hair and a pretty face and i like hearing him talk, genuinely. he has interesting facets to his personality and i want to know more about him. i want to see him and give him a big hug and tell him im here for him. he probably would hate me if he read this entry. think im a freak. i wouldnt blame him. after all, im just one big stain on the world.
today i went out with my father. i found myself having.. fun. it was enjoyable. it still didnt take away from the emptiness in my heart, however. i still miss dylan. will anyone ever compare to him? i must be a freak. he died before i was even born; i have no right to love him, right? he wouldve killed me too, if i had been there. yet something in my heart tells me im wrong about that. he wouldve spared me-- i could have saved him. "saved." its such a strange word, isnt it? because what if i did want to save him? how would i have even done it? im not special, im not some hero, im a regular person. he would have killed me too. i have to conform, yet i dont want to. society is suicide of the mind, of free will. and i refuse todie. i refuse to die for the qualms of this funny thing we humans call civilization. i wont be taken prisoner by its clutches. i would rather have been shot by him that day. that fateful day. i wish i could go back in time to stop him from taking those lives, including his own. but isnt it true? eric was the one who killed him. i dont know anymore. i just wanted to save them. save, save, save. im a savior in my own heart.
i'm such an other girl. other woman. i feel as if i'll never find my person. my person should have been dylan but i was born in the wrong time, the wrong place. he should have been my boy, my precious, we could have been so good together. but no. he's dead and i'm stuck here in a world of people who don't want me or need me. i feel absoltely useless, utterly helpless and trapped inside my own skin. i want to be free and turn into a lonely soul once more. maybe in the halcyon i'd be able to meet him, maybe we could be in love there.
i'm supposed to write my thoughts freely, right? so i will. i feel like i'm crazy. is it bad that i love him? such a monster? but he was good. i can feel it. i'm a monster too, for loving him; i'm a "threat." but i'd never hurt a fly! i'm friendly, and kind, and pretty. i'm just a little sick, sick in my mind. people always leave me. that's why i feel like i don't belong. i don't have "people." i only have my family; yet they refuse to understand me, even still. i don't want to be alone. i don't want to be alone! yet i always am. always, always, always, alone.